


Control Matrix

by Aradellia (CurtusPatronus)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Control Ending, F/M, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Just lots of crying in general, Multi, Reapers, Tragedy, in a sense a fix-it, lots of turian crying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-14 09:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8008393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurtusPatronus/pseuds/Aradellia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She couldn't pull the trigger on all synthetics, and couldn't push her body to throw it off a ledge. She could only turn away, or take a left, up the ramp. And so she walked, and took the path to control them, and change their fate through her will.</p><p>What is now known as 'Shepard' cannot see everything clearly. She knows who Commander Shepard is, who she was. She knows her crew, most of it at least. She holds everything the Commander once was; her memories, her thoughts, her hopes, her consciousness. She gave away physical existence to become an immortal being in control of the Reapers, the new Catalyst. She gazes into memories that don't make sense, a life she could not comprehend in its true form.</p><p>She sends four messages, in a bid to understand who Commander Shepard is, and why she felt peace was far from being achieved in the galaxy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I am her, and I am not her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a traditional fix-it, as you can tell. I'm going to let the endings happen, but with some adjustments, and a long haul through the post credits and into untold territory. This all came to me after I had finished another play-through, and finally chose Control. I was surprised by it, and it gave me this idea.

The Reaper War ended with a blast of blue, the last survivor on the Citadel setting forth the solution the Catalyst refused to do itself. The selfish construct refused to do as it could have done, bestowing the task to a woman who had a future before her, a future with her crew, her new family, the love of her soul, and yet the construct, dressed in the form of a boy of Earth, pointed its glowing fingers and said 'March to your death for your galaxy, for I care little of your choices.'

Control, to her left, a shining blue beacon. The path in which the Illusive Man believed in, the path he saw possible before he lost himself in the Reaper's poisons. A path she had debated. Destroy, to her right, the dim red light. The path that Anderson had always saw, the path she saw as the only way. Her heart broke at the knowledge that it would destroy her work with synthetics. The geth would be destroyed. EDI would perish with them.

Finally was Synthesis, the final solution. The pinnacle of life, a green torch. She could see that the only way to bestow the Crucible her energy was to throw herself into the beam.

She wobbled to the final point, the three pathways before her laid out in plain sight. She spared a look over to the shimmering image of the Catalyst, his face unmoving. He couldn't care less of her choices, as long as she made one. She could easily walk away, throw away saving the galaxy and simply fight until the end. She could muffle the music of death and spend the last days with her family and crew before it was washed away and blood. She coughed, spraying blood across the steel beneath her feet. She didn't have much time with the wound in her stomach, the bullet lodged within tearing her apart.

Her eyes fell upon the blue end, and moved up the ramp, limping, practically dragging herself forward. Another step, closer and closer. She let the pistol slide out of her right hand as she reached for the sparking handles, the device to bring about her control of the Reapers. It was painful, her hand snapping around the device. She weakly reached out for the other, and cried in pain as it shocked through her body, her mind, ripping her apart slowly. Toppling to the ground before it, she struggled, feeling the Reapers, the Catalyst's control over the beasts. She dragged herself up once again, feeling her body deteriorate, her heart stopping even as she continued to move and fight for control. Standing on her feet, holding onto the device as it surrounded her in blue lightning, taking her consciousness, her body's cybernetics and pieces, and transferred them like data. The Crucible accepted her power, her might, her roar of pain and fear echoing in the silence of the isolated space.

_Anderson... Hackett... Joker... Legion... Thane... Mordin..._

_Garrus._

"I-I... I'm..."

She would hope the bar would accept her after her job was done.

_Sorry._

They took her away, the Reapers accepting her mind, her thoughts, calling for an all stop, a retreat, as the blast was sent out around Sol. London, Berlin, Paris, Washington, DC, Beijing, Tokyo, the population centers of Earth were emptied of Reapers, the ground forces moving away from the fallen troops. He empty body, although sparking and falling apart, slumped against the console, useless and empty. Her mind could sense each Reaper, each individual unit. Red turned to blue, responding to her commands. Harbinger, her worst enemy, her foe for years, looking to her as she came forward in a mental world.

_'You took our puppet's choice, to control us.'_

He seemed almost confused by her choice. She had always wanted to destroy, but here she took control.

"I had reasons... to keep synthetics alive. I could not condemn a species... simply to wipe you away. I couldn't accept it."

_'If you could not destroy, you could have merged. Why did you regret the option of elevating the universe's species to its pinnacle?'_

"It didn't seem right. It was too simple. Besides... I made a promise to stay alive."

_'You are not alive in the sense that you wish for, Shepard. You are us now. You are the Reapers. You do not exist physically anymore.'_

"Harbinger... the first Leviathans... I believe it is time you rest. The Reapers will not be needed to harvest or rid the world of chaos."

_'We do not understand.'_

"You may die in peace with your people. I will take care of your physical form."

_'Even if you do, you will not be living physically. You are a Reaper. You are no longer human.'_

She chuckled, the sound reverberating around them. Harbinger looked at her curiously.

"I am not in body, no, but I am in spirit, in thought. It's how are are different now. Things are changing, Harbinger. It's time to rest. I will see to it that this cycle is taken care of. Your original master is no more now."

_'You... are not Shepard, then.'_

"Wrong. I am her, and I am not her. Much like the Catalyst had explained, certain things changed him. Already, things are changing me."

* * *

As early as September, year 2186, the Reapers emerged from the dark space they called home for thousands of years to begin the next cycle, the next harvest of intelligent species to make room for the next wave of rising species. It was as Commander Shepard had claimed: The Reapers arrived through batarian space, through different relays to begin the harvest. From there, they came to Sol and took Earth, and finally began the final push to take the worlds they knew must be harvested. Palaven, the home of the turians. Thessia, the home of the asari. Sur'Kesh, home of the salarians. Tuchanka, the home of the krogan. Dekunna, of the elcor, Kahje, home of the elcor and drell, even if the drell had originated from Rakhana, but the planet had died long before the harvest.

The war churned on for months, the species of the cycle showing surprising will to survive, to fight for their rights to continue to live and thrive. They pushed everything they could at the Reapers, even as they destroyed cities and countless millions of lives. Wiping out entire colonies, and taking what they assumed was simple chaos, what they were ordered to control. It was in the early days of 2187 that the war finally came to an explosive head. With the Citadel in Reaper control, and the fleets of the surviving species coming forward, the finally battle waged ferociously on Earth. It was here that Commander Shepard fought through London to reach the Citadel Beam, a teleportation device planted in the London suburbs to transport bodies to the Citadel. She was dying, delirious, and broken when she hit the beam.

It's an odd feeling, in the sense that sentience has never been so close to feeling real. Commander Shepard believed that peace could be achieved, that there was a chance for everyone to survive. She ascended to meet the Catalyst, and took control for herself, to ensure that no one would die any longer, that the universe would benefit from her long walk to victory. Many would chant her name to the sky, raise a glass to her honor, or whisper goodbyes with tears falling down their face. Many rose her name to godhood, while some murmured it on trembling lips.

She does not exist any longer in the true physical sense, but she will always live on now. She is Shepard, the woman who gave up her life to ensure the few who died would truly allow the many to live.

Harbinger let himself rest, and while a few spoke out against their ruler in taking a physical form, she felt it right to have a flagship leading them, and not simply a glowing figure standing atop the Citadel. She enjoyed the holographic form, but she would pilot herself, and show them what to do, and how to help.

It was three months later that Admiral Hackett caught their signal, a far off message half loss through its travels, but it was confirmed and another celebratory cry came forward.

The Normandy and her crew had survived.

She gazed out from her place upon the Citadel, her Reaper ship docked within the Citadel itself, perched in the underbelly of the 'Citadel Tower', where Shepard had made her sacrifice, her choice. Upon the central platform, the joining of three ramps, was a frost-covered pod, a circular holding space attended to by Keepers, wires and humming machinery encircling it and connecting it to the station.

"The universe has many scars and wounds. The rebuilding process may be sped up, but it will take time to rebuild. I believe that's okay."

She effortlessly dropped to the steel of the platforms, still stained in blood, looking up to the stars, gazing down at the Earth below. Several of her fellow ships flew by, moving materials and people, aiding in the relief effort. In the coming month, people would be allowed back on the Citadel.

"I can't wait... I can't wait to see them. It's been so long since I saw you last."

* * *

**August 23, 2187 CE - 0831 Hours**

**T-Minus 30 minutes to arrival to the Citadel**

The message at first wasn't odd, seemingly normal. It came through an encrypted channel, though deeper digging found its odd and peculiar pieces. Four of these messages were sent out to four crew members of the Normandy, all three curiously looking upon the message.

It had a blank name for a sender. The title stabbed the final blade into their chests, the weak blow in their hearts.

_'Status of Shepard'._

EDI and Joker had gotten the same message on their private messages, curiously gazing upon it from the cockpit as they approached the Citadel, Reapers giving them enormous pathways to drift comfortably through. Liara commented quietly to Kaidan that it seemed they moved with respect and welcome. Garrus and Tali were the others to get the curious message, meeting in Shepard's old cabin to read the message together.

_'I realize you four may not even open this, but I hope you will. As you have guessed, Commander Shepard did not survive the Crucible firing. She died to allow it to fire, and put the Reapers in their place, ruled by a new code. I request that you come to these coordinates after your debriefings and meetings. It is alright to come separately, and if you wish, you do not need to come at all._

_'I wish to aid perhaps in some closure and understanding, to help you heal as you move on without her.'_

Joker didn't make it passed the first two sentences, and closed it, continuing to pilot the Normandy even as he cursed himself for not going back for her. EDI closed it soon after, putting the ship on autopilot to comfort the now crying Joker, holding him close, doing the best she could for the weeping pilot riddled with unforgivable survivor's guilt.

Tali read it completely, and shut down her terminal. She knew the message would shake Garrus to the core, and contently kept him close as he read it again and again, memorizing the coordinates. Garrus had been empty following putting Shepard's name on the wall of fallen comrades, unable to fully accept what had happened, and what Hackett had briefly told them. This message, promising help and closure... it was all he had left to help him heal now. The crew had done as much as they could to help him through the trauma of losing her, of losing his mate.

"Maybe whoever this is will tell me she's got a spot reserved for us at the bar." he quietly commented, setting the pad aside. Tali looked at his fallen features, raising his chin so she could see his eyes.

"Are you actually thinking about going there?"

"It's better then whatever they have planned. No doubt we're going to be hailed as heroes, showered in glory and put on pedestals... I just don't want to deal with that now."

"None of us do," Tali said softly, looking off for a moment, "you wouldn't mind if I joined you, would you?"

"I wouldn't have accepted a no, Tali." He offered a flutter of his mandibles, his first smile in months. Tali offered her own.

"It'll be okay, Garrus."

He quietly took the offered hand as she helped him off the ground, holding it for a moment for comfort. He let out a soft keen, a sobering sound as his sub vocals cried for his lost mate.

"I know. It's... it just hurts a lot more then I expected."

"We understand, of course. Well, I know I do."

Another flutter, another small smile. It was progress. She patted his shoulder as they moved out of the silent room that held memories they could never let go of, and boarded the elevator. Garrus gently bumped into before taking a shutter of a breath. Even in her suit, Tali felt suffocated in the elevator as well. The doors opened, and they moved without words into the mess hall. Gardner offered them food and coffee, and the duo joined the crew as they pushed forward toward the Citadel, toward the universe they hadn't realized had survived while they had patched up the Normandy and attempted to return home. For many, it was disorienting to see the Reapers floating by, harmonious with the species that survived the Reaper War, but from the gentle glow of blue from their ships, it felt like a beautiful peace.

It was the reason the Relays were being rebuilt, how every homeworld would be rebuilt in time.

 _"Important message coming in from Admiral Hackett. Ears open, everyone."_ Joker's voice was curt, a little tight, but every looked up to listen, some continuing to eat.

_"Normandy crew, this is Admiral Hackett. Welcome back to Sol, and to Earth. We were worried we had lost you as you attempted to flee from the firing of the Crucible. You're to land on the Citadel, and meet up with your respective leaders to help aid in the next phase of recovery. Much has happened since we lost contact with you, and I know all of you who haven't figured it out want to know."_

_"Shortly after the Reapers gave us space to move, they allowed us on the Citadel to search for Commander Shepard. We searched without rest for a month, but our efforts wielded us nothing. It's safe to assume we lost her with the firing of the Crucible. We don't know what she did, but she worked out a way to control the Reapers, and to make peace."_

The overwhelming heaviness of the air broke like glass as crew members who had held onto hope so vehemently sobbed and cried in pain at the loss of the Commander. Chakwas peeled herself out of her office and sat with Garrus and Tali, the trio somber and staring at their cups as if perhaps they could disappear in the black liquid and come back out in a universe where Shepard had survived. A door opened somewhere. Hackett continued.

_"I realize some of you were closer to her then others, and we'll allow you all time to grieve. Your leaders are the only ones on the Citadel currently besides the Keepers and several groups of Reaper ground forces, so use the space as you like. They're giving you all access to the area before we start moving people off of Earth and Luna and back on the Citadel. If you need anything when you land, let us know. Hackett out."_

It was silent besides the soft sobs of the few crew who had hoped for a miracle, who were crushed by defeat visibly. A crew member acted first, chucking his empty cup at the floor, shattering it into pieces with a painful roar.

"GOD DAMN IT!"

Garrus, Tali, and Chakwas watched as the man fumed before sobbing in silence, staring at the shattered cup, as the ship shuttered along, the crew collapsing as their Commander was deemed killed in action. Liara slipped out and joined them, the crew suddenly looking to them for help, but as they looked upon them, they knew their mourning was vastly different, their pain tripled.

Tali was the first to start crying, covering her mask as she sobbed behind the glass. Garrus effortlessly pulled her into his arms, letting her lean into her as she broke down. Turians couldn't cry like other species, but the sound he was emitting everyone could hear, and it broke their hearts. It was broken, a keening sound desperate to be answered and heard. It was like a child crying before their parent's corpse, the sound of a broken person sobbing out of the control for the one they lost. His jaw clenched, his mandibles drooped. His eyes closed as he vocally cried, the crew shuddering at the sound of the heartbroken turian.

They had never heard a turian 'cry', and it was almost as heartbreaking as losing Shepard. The crew knew Shepard and Garrus had been close, their relationship nearly public, and they knew he would hurt the most. The sound he gave was one they would never forgot. Liara reached out and did her best to comfort them even as tears slipped down her cheeks. Chakwas joined them shortly, bowing her head as she hid her tears.

_"Garrus, Tali... ground team, I guess. You might want to find come up here."_

Liara looked up, curious. EDI spoke then, her voice almost lost in as she spoke.

_"We're approaching the Citadel."_

Tali stood, helping Garrus to his feet as she struggled to control himself, his sub-vocals, and his legs. They were laden in lead, removing to move and operate. He was being crushed by the weight of his heart, of the truth he couldn't run away from this time. There wasn't an Omega to run to, enemies to shoot to drwon his pain out. There wasn't anything to soothe his heart but the ultimately kind but futile attempts from the crew. He stood on his own, setting his mostly untouched coffee aside. His cries calmed, but anyone with a sharp ear to still hear it roll through him.

"I'll go to a observation deck," Chakwas murmured, "so all of you can look."

Liara gently patted the old doctor's shoulder, leading Tali and Garrus to the elevator. They were the first to get to the CIC, Liara noting that the elevator immediately went back down, most likely to pick up Kaidan, Javik, and James from the lower floors. Joker spun in his chair as they approached, EDI doing the same. They both could hear the soft cries of Garrus through his sub vocals, and Tali's cries behind her mask. EDI stood and hugged Tali first, and then Garrus, holding the turian close in comfort. Both had been affected so greatly by the Commander, and her loss resounded deeply between them. The sound of his low cry subsided as EDI drew away, and the bootfalls of James, Javik, and Kaidan came up. Joker turned back forward.

"Squeeze on in. You won't believe what's docked to the Citadel right now."

He moved a few interfaces and allowed the windows to open. Tali noticed it first, the hulking purple-black mass of a Reaper docked to the Citadel, positioned underneath the Tower.

"Is that Harbinger?"

Everyone moved in closer to get a look, Garrus leaning over EDI to see it. Flashback, the scarred ground covered in droplets of his blood, the booming rage of the siren let loose by the landed Reaper. Unfocused eyes followed Shepard as she came for him, looking to the sight of Harbinger laying waste to the last effort of the galaxy to stop them from being annihilated.

"It's Harbinger." Garrus softly confirmed. EDI pulled up the file on the Reaper, the image on the file matching the profile they could see without a doubt, albeit without the glowing gold eyes of the beast.

"It matches his signature, however I'm detecting something different from him."

"What exactly?" James questioned.

"Ever since we entered the Sol system, I have been picking up unique but heavily encrypted messages moving through known networks. Their signal matches known Reaper emissions from the Battle on Earth. It seems this signal or message stream is originating from Harbinger."

"A command signal?" Garrus prompted.

"Perhaps. If that assumption is to be correct, Harbinger now controls the Reapers from the Citadel, much like Sovereign had attempted to use it to open a relay during the Eden Prime War."

"If Harbinger is the one controlling them, how is everyone still alive? This is Harbinger we're talking about." Joker commented.

"Perhaps now it is no longer Harbinger inhabiting that Reaper."

Javik spoke up, surprisingly confused and intrigued. "That cannot be possible."

Liara was next to speak, looking to Javik. "If it involves Shepard, we should always assume something isn't impossible."

"Damn right," Joker spat, "Whatever is going on, I have a feeling we're not going to find out much when we land. Hell, from how it sounds, no one really understands why the Reapers are still around helping. Whatever she did..."

The cockpit silenced, the crew looking between themselves in equal sorrow and mourning. Joker quickly moved information, adjusting small issues in the flight plan. Not everything was fixed yet to full capacity.

"...whatever she did did one hell of a good job."

**"Normandy."**

The deep voice coming through the comm channels startled everyone, Joker and EDI working furiously to triangulate the signal. It continued to speak even as EDI attempted to protect the ship from the intrusion.

**"I am Horizon."**

"A Reaper contacting us?!" Tali shouted out.

**"We wish to help you with repairs to your vessel. We have opened a internal docking bay for your ship and crew. We are uploading the approach vectors for your arrival."**

EDI let the vectors come up on screen, slowing her movements until she let the ship take its directed course. A reaper, a destroyer, came up beside them, its eyes directed at the cockpit.

"Uh.. thank you, Horizon." Joker awkwardly replied, "We're beginning our approach."

**"We will follow."**

"That's not terrifying at all." Kaidan commented, "having Reapers tail you into the Citadel."

"It's not terrifying to hear a Reaper sound so nice to you, either." Garrus mentioned, earning a few smiles.

He hadn't cracked a joke in a while. Joker kept the good girl moving forward as Horizon flanked their left, and another destroyer their right. They approached the Presidium before they dipped down between it, approaching the base of the Citadel Tower. They got a better look at the body of Harbinger, clinging to the underside as if it were connected to it. The docking bays opened for them, the Normandy sliding in effortlessly, docking pads latching to the wings and settling her inside.

**"You may leave your ship. The elevators are nearby. They will take you into the Citadel Tower and from there you may move about. Your leaders are in the place you call the Embassies. Be cautious, as the tower has been damaged."**

"Thank you, Horizon." EDI responded, looking to Jeff.

"Just don't mess anything up while we're gone." he mentioned, before moving his chair around to everyone.

"Alright, you heard the, uh, Reaper. Let's go. Shore leave time, I guess."

* * *

The Citadel had always been a station of loud noise, of men shouting their sales on items, of people chatting about their day, their business. It was asari talking about the latest fashions, of men moving back and forth between bars, of C-Sec officers patrolling the streets to ensure everyone's safety. As the elevators opened to the tower, they were hit with the silence of the station. Just how quiet it was outside of the silent humming of machines, and the whirring of passing Keepers. The crew immediately moved in different directions, EDI with Joker, Kaidan with James, Liara with Javik, leaving Tali and Garrus standing in the Council Chambers.

They stood in the observation bay of the tower, watching the crew trickle out onto the Citadel. Stores were closed shut, offices locked down. Locks were popped open as people passed by, the station opening for its first visitors since the war.

"Seeing the Citadel so empty..." Tali lamented, "it's haunting."

"In my entire life, I've never seen it so barren," Garrus explained, looking out farther. The artificial sky was gone, letting them see the other wards and arms, and the glittering sky of space around them, Reapers skirting around the station like birds in the sky.

It was silent then, watching the crew disappear into the abandoned station. Tali thought of the Presidium, the Apollo Cafe and the shops they had visited months ago. Garrus thought to his old C-Sec station, if Bailey and Chellick had made it out of the war alive. This was a beacon for the universe, and now as they began to rebuild, it was nothing but a freshly minted ship, preparing for its first boarding. They were the first to make it onto the Citadel, save for the leaders awaiting them. Tali turned to look over her shoulder, gazing upon the far off Council Chamber.

"To think, a few years ago... we fought Saren here. We made history here."

Garrus softly laughed, "We've made a lot of history on this place, haven't we?"

"Saren... landing here from Ilos. Keeping Cerberus from taking out the Council... allowing the first quarians to touch the station after so many years. Watching the first turian-krogan alliance since the Krogan Rebellions."

"Watching Shepard become the first human Spectre," Garrus continued, "Letting everyone know that the Reapers were coming."

"Showing the galaxy that Commander Shepard was always right... and making sure she stopped the Reapers."

It was then that Garrus couldn't keep back his cries, letting it gently flow out before it grew louder, gripping the handrails he leaned on as he struggled once again, Tali keeping a hand on him to help steady him. He was practically standing on her grave, he realized. She died here, making sure everyone else could live to see the future.

"Awfully empty now, isn't it...?"

"Garrus?"

_"Goodbye, Garrus. And if I'm up there in that bar and you're not... I'll be looking down..."_

"Damn it... damn it..."

_"You'll never be alone."_

Tali held onto him as he let out his cries, the sound echoing in the empty chamber as the turian cried for the lost, for the burning future he had imagined with her. He was standing upon the ashes of the galaxy, watching life continue on without the woman he had given everything for. He had ordered her to stay alive, and yet... and yet...

"If I'm correct, those coordinates put you here, Garrus..."

Her hands slid off his armor quietly, backing away from him. She had said she would accompany him, but this... he was her best friend but even she had limits before it would be too much.

"I'm going to see if there's any food for us. I'll message you if I find anything."

Tali looked back as she boarded the elevator, his discorded song of sorrow continuing to play, even as she descended down to the presidium. He stood along the railing long after Tali had disappeared down another pathway, toward another set of elevators, watching him sob from below before descending into the ward below. Garrus took a moment to himself, letting the pain flow through him, letting him scream and sing the pain in his heart and chest. He had thought the rocket to his face had been painful, and he had thought Shepard's first death had hurt him.

This was a new level a pain, one he didn't want to go through much longer, not if it continued to burn through him so heavily.

"Even if you're looking down," he choked out to the silence, collapsing to his knees, "Even if you're waiting...

"I don't want to be here without you, damn it!"

He didn't care if his spurs ached in his position, if he dented the metal against his hands. His painful, loud orchestra, the crying of a man lost in the utter emptiness of life, surrounded him and suffocated him, crying and roaring out his pain as he finally could let loose the despair that had begun to consume him so quickly. The silence did nothing to quell him, hurting him more then helping him calm his mind. Shepard couldn't be found, dying in the final blast to let them all live. She had disobeyed his order, but he knew it was an impossible one to follow.

Gentle creaks surrounded him as he picked himself off the floor, looking to the Presidium. No one to be found. He turned from the glass windows, walking toward the Council Chambers, or what they used to be. Pieces of metal and debris still littered the once pristine grounds. He could still pick up the scent of blood, all human. In the darkest corners, not yet cleaned up by Keepers, were piles of human bodies. He focused head at the rising platform before him, up the last flight of stairs.

The balcony in which the seats of the Galactic government were kept. The Council's meeting chambers, an audience hall for those who wished to make a change. The balcony had been destroyed, all that remained was the extended platform reaching over a courtyard below his feet.

This was the place of miracles. Where Commander Shepard became a Spectre, where they fought Saren, where everything began. He stood in her spot, looking upon the wreckage, his painful melody still calling out to the empty space, trying to help himself calm even though he would never be able to move on entirely. He let his omni tool activate, and took a seat upon the platform. Messages popped up now that he had access to the networks.

His father had messaged him, as well as his sister. They were safe in a nearby colony in the Apien Crest, and reported the arrival of Reapers aiding in rebuilding and bringing turians back to Palavan. They worried and asked that the Spirits bring him home safely. Their mother, however, was still on Sur'Kesh taking treatments for Corpalis Syndrome. They had been given no word yet if she had survived.

Messages from Primarch Victus, from old squadmates wondering if he made it out alive. Messages from Kasumi, and Jack, wondering if the Normandy was still out there.

He replied to them. Kasumi and Jack were closer to the pain then his family, his fellow soldiers in arms.

_'We survived. We're on the Citadel now, though I don't think they'll let you up here yet. I'll put in a word with someone to get you and the rest of the crew up here.'_

Short, but it was all he could bring himself to say. He sent it with little notice, moving through messages and deleting many of them. Swiping right or left for messages to answer, for messages to archive.

He shut the device down once he hit the messages he had never sent, words he choked on for two years. His drafts to Shepard. He sat there on the cold steel of the platform, looking to his hands as if they were not there at all. Phantom images, fake touches, the sight of Shepard's hands holding his, telling him everything would work out.

_"You read my message."_

His head lifted, barely, as the voice echoed around him. It was mixed with static, a heavy synthetic cover over the female voice. An AI perhaps, or was it Avina still active on the Citadel? Nevertheless, he replied, hoping it was real and not him sitting on the ground in a delusional coma, however great that sounded then.

"I did."

The voice did not answer, as he suspected. He closed his eyes, sighing deeply. He was losing him mind already, and it hadn't even been six months. How would he survived the rest of his life, if he could continue living it? A sharp hum made him open them again, realizing the platform underneath him was glowing. She shuffled for a moment before realizing what was happening as the platform began to rise up into the air. He couldn't do anything to stop it, relaxing as he rose above the ruins, through layers of the Citadel he hadn't know existed. The realization hit him as he started to stand up.

Parts of the Citadel he hadn't know existed. Shepard was always known for the impossible... could she still be alive here, in the hidden parts of the Citadel?

The platform rose for what felt like hours until it stopped, putting him in a longer hallway surrounded by shifting plates along the side. A chasm spread out below the walkway before him, and the gentle light above the crest of the ramp leading forward pulled his feet forward.

 _"I did not think you would come,"_ the synthetic voice spoke gently, _"With everything going on."_

"I didn't want to face Victus." Garrus explained with no clarification. Why was he explaining himself to them?

_"I see..."_

He kept moving, ascending the ramp as he got a first glimpse of what awaited him at the final platform. Gentle blue light decorated the unmarked steels and metal, save for ominous blood splatters covered a few spots. His eyes were drawn immediately to the glowing form absently turned away from him, working at a console he couldn't exactly see. Something curious came to the slope of the body's shoulders, the tightness of a sore back, of an overworked body. The pitter-patter of a tapping toe against the ground as work continued on monotonously. A soft hum of a tune lost in time, lost to the blood of war.

He knew those little tics, the tiny things she had done to pass the time whilst in the midst of boring busywork. He stepped forward, mandibles dropping in disbelief as the form he saw. The seemingly gravity-defying waves of hair surrounding her, the white glow of scars along her neck, the striking scar across her left eye. Wounds she sustained through their campaigns together against the Reapers.

"Shepard...?"

The body stalled, and slowly, oh so slowly, turned toward him. The moment he could make out the slight slope of her nose, the deadly but gentle eyes he had stared into for an eternity, and the scar running up along her corner of her lips, he let his cries come alive once again.

"Shepard."

She blinked, the body looking curiously at him before facing him completely.

"Hello, Garrus."


	2. Why do they cry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Physical touch is no longer possible. She doesn't understand why they were sad, why they were at war with themselves. It confuses her.

It was a miracle, a mirage, a figment of his imagination. It couldn't be possible, his mind kept screaming at him but all he could do was stare and laugh, looking upon the woman he had thought dead, told repeatedly couldn't have survived the firing of the Crucible. Standing before him with everything she had, her normal civvies glittering as if plated in silver-

Civvies. That's not possible, his head hit him with a brick, a lapse in his judgement. She couldn't have been wearing normal regs, not with the battle raging on. His smile started to disappear as he realized what was wrong, how wrong it was. It was a blissful reality. Shepard's face went inquisitive, concerned as his glowing happiness started to fade.

"What's wrong?"

He couldn't answer, his happiness, a fleeting feeling, choking out anything he could say. What could he say? 'Why are you in normal clothes, where's your armor, what happened to you?'

What was there to stay to a woman who could not be here, was no longer here. That's right, she wasn't here. He was hallucinating. He must have passed out in the Citadel Chambers, dreaming up this false lie that showed him what he wished for, the dream he now chased.

She caught on then as his expression soured and his song of sorrow continued to play, his eyes closing. Her expression drooped.

"I did not mean to hurt you with this appearance."

"Then why the hell are you wearing it?" he snarled, eyes rising in a furious despair-filled fire, "Whats the point of torturing me with this lie?!"

"It's not a lie."

"Bullshit!"

"All AI and VI processes were destroyed when the Reapers took the Citadel. Avina no longer exists. I am not just a program, Garrus. Besides... if I were one, I wouldn't know everything I said in my message, right?"

This thing had him there. A normal VI couldn't do such a thing and even if it was an AI, she wouldn't be active here at all, or able to hide her tracks as to how or where she sent the message. It came out of nowhere, with no traceable line to its origin. It was a message with an invisible sender, an impossible message. She knew his name, something the VI or AI would have announced that they found in his file, if they even could look it up at all, which was a slim to zero chance. Whatever this thing was before him was something more.

The inferno died almost as soon as it began, his eyes returning to the painful sorrow expression he always wore now. "Right..."

"I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to help you."

"Why? How did you know we were coming here?"

It moved for a moment, looking around, as if listening to someone else in that moment. Its attention returned to him as she took a step back. Her hair continued to seemingly defy gravity, a note he should have picked up on before he zoned in on what he thought was reality.

"I am not AI or VI, but something greater. In hindsight, trying to help you through showing you her form wasn't the best idea."

His cries told her enough, that the image of Shepard was a painful sight, now that he could see through the rose tinted goggles he had thrown on himself. She gently wrapped her arms around herself, looking at him with a shocking amount of fear and worry. He watched in crippling fear as the color drained out of the body before him, skin and muscles disappearing in unraveling bits of code. This wasn't a physical body, it wasn't even a real person. Starting from the head and feet, the real visage of Shepard disappeared, living a blue code-covered body behind, much like Avina's holographic one. He let out a soft wail at the sight, reality strangling him.

She was gone.

"What are you then?" he asked, his voice lost to his pain. His legs shook, threatening to collapse.

She looked up, and his eyes couldn't resist to follow.

Above him was the body of Harbinger, the reaper he had seen attached to the bottom of the Citadel Tower. Quickly his eyes snapped back to the hologram, stepping forward as her eyes slowly returned to look at him, the same concerned look he had seen after missions countless.

"You're... Harbinger?"

She shook her head, hair moving around her as if underwater. "No. Harbinger no longer exists."

"What do you mean?"

"Harbinger is dead. The consciousness that made up that form passed on. The Leviathans left on a request so that I could exist and use it."

A request? A tone of confusion slipped past his dimming cries. "Who requested it?"

She did not hesitate in the slightest with her answer.

"Shepard requested it."

It returned, the soft keen for her, the silent wails of his torture. It didn't make sense how she could communicate with Harbinger and convince him to simply... disappear. His gaze lowered, conflicted and confused, but the hologram continued to speak even as he started to shake, unable to control himself at this point as his despair overrode anything he could attempt to try.

"This is why I wanted to see you, so you would know the truth of what happened."

"So you're just going to tell me Shepard is dead, like everyone else has." he murmured, his voice shaking in defeat, "I don't want to hear it anymore."

"I know how she died."

His eyes lifted, pain so obvious in his eyes. She stepped closer, face to face now with the sorrowful turian. Gazing into his eyes, the memories and thoughts of her returned, and she couldn't stop her hand from travelling, moving up to hover over his face, Garrus simply watching her move. She moved it closer, and adjusted so her hand didn't go through his face, memorizing the details of his face. The scars that covered his face, and his neck. The tired sag of his muscles, and the sound of his tears moving through his larynx. For a moment, memories superimposed on her vision, showing a scene upon a platform high above the Presidium, his eyes filled with joy and love and happiness. His subvocals sang a song of joy and love, a song to forever mark the moment she told him she loved him. It faded, of course, returning to his somber and pitiful expression.

"How would you know that?"

Her face softened, turning sad as well.

"I am what remains of her, of Commander Jane Shepard."

His wails grew louder, closing his eyes as he faced the truth that had been placed before him. She raised her other hand, holding his face even if she truly couldn't.

"How?" his voice choked like a human's, his eyes squinting as if he could truly cry, "Why?"

"To end the Reaper's harvest... the Catalyst gave her three options that the Crucible unlocked. She could destroy them, and with them all synthetics. She could throw herself into the Crucible, and merge synthetic and organic life. She could control them, and offer herself as the new 'master' of the Reapers. She could have also simply turned her back... and never let it activate.

"She did not wish to throw away the geth, and EDI. She... she remembered a promise... and couldn't walk toward the beam."

Garrus took a gasping breath. "I ordered her to come back alive."

"She remembered. She chose then to control them... to make sure everyone could survive. She sacrificed much of her body, and her entire mind... and took the role of the Catalyst. Her memories, her thoughts... her consciousness and ideals are what make up my existence. I am, in essence, Commander Shepard now."

"In essence?"

She couldn't meet his eyes. "I am her, and I am not her. Things... to keep the Reapers from being able to escape, certain things had to change so I could control them. Memories were locked away, certain pieces of her had to be hidden for my safety. I know what she is, what she was... but..."

"But?" He knew he couldn't hold her, but his hand came up in the semblance of holding her arm.

"I must relearn who she is. I... am much like an AI. I don't entirely understand you anymore."

Her hands slid from his face, resting as close as she could let them on his carapace. Her eyes shimmered, as if the hologram was going to cry, before she looked up at him. She couldn't bare to see the pain and disappointment on his features. It was a soul crushing feeling, a hole opening in her chest as she listened to his cries, watching him look upon the hologram she projected.

"It's the oddest feeling, to think like her but also to be separate of her. I am her, but she is also the one controlling me."

He simply continued to look and memorize her, and she kept speaking.

"Peace... I feel, she feels... It feels like we have not achieved the peace she... I want yet. It doesn't feel even close."

"Is there another reason why you wanted me here?" he asked quietly.

"...I sent four messages. To you, and Tali. I also Joker and EDI one as well. I... Peace hasn't been achieved yet, and I.. s-she... I want to understand who she was, and who she truly was. I want to help the crew... and I want to understand."

She let her gaze fall, unable to understand the emotions flowing through her. She knew Garrus meant everything to her, that he was the only solid stone she could hold onto in this turbulent galaxy. He had shown her that not everything in her life had to die or be lost. She had always had him in the past years, and she couldn't take seeing him in pain. He moved his hand, attempting to move his talons through her hair, mimicking a movement she recognized. His hands simply moved through her hologram, her hair flowing around her untouched.

She reached up again to his face, her almost touching hands moving so he could look at her.

He couldn't say a word, and she saw it. She could not comfort him as Shepard had done, with no physical way to touch him. She leaned up on his toes, floating an inch or so off the ground as he leaned down to meet her lips, getting in as close as she could to kiss his forehead. She moved back down and lingered before his lips, sighing softly.

He did the same, and watched as she stepped back from him.

"I'm sorry for disappointing you, Garrus."

He stepped forward, reaching out for her, hovering his hand above her holographic shoulder, moving up to cup around her neck, moving it down her her shoulder, pausing around her arm again. She watched curiously, until his hand moved to her face, cupping his hand around her cheek.

"You're missing a few details."

"Huh?"

"The hologram body. You're missing a few scars."

She touched her face, eyes widening in surprise. She looked to him like a curious child.

"What did I miss?"

His talon moved to her right eye, moving down in a sideways pattern across it. She closed that eye as the nail passed over it.

"She has a scar there. A Banshee had gotten too close, and clawed her enough to open a wound."

"I see."

She imagined the scar as he had marked, looking through the memories again. She couldn't find the exact match, some pieces missing even to her, or they were locked away from her. She let a scar form on her face, a semi-jagged white line. He continued to point out small details, the little marks on Shepard's face and body she had missed in constructing the image. She happily added the details, and let him look upon her once he was satisfied. But even with the new details, his face held the pain and disappointment.

"I'm sorry." she murmured.

"I had told her... to come back alive. I don't know if I can consider this alive or not." her responded with a chilling whine, "Is she... are you?"

She paused, lowering her gaze. "She is... I am. I may not have a physical body, Garrus... or sound entirely like her anymore..."

"Will you always be here, then?"

She nodded. "I find it easier to communicate with the others here. No one but the four of you I messaged can get here to this part of the Citadel. The Citadel will be allowing people back on in less then a month, once we finish cleaning everything, disposing of the ground troops and repairing what needs to be fixed. You, and the crew, can come here from the platform you were on. Once people are back on the station... I will find another place for you to go so you may visit me."

He looked off to the side for a moment. "Can't you show up at other parts of the Citadel?"

She turned to the left, looking to the bloodied platform, and the flashing console. Even in profile, Garrus noted, it still was Shepard. Her brow knitted together as she thought.

"In theory, yes. I'm connected to the Citadel, so I can have this hologram appear anywhere. Though... to avoid being seen by others, I stay here."

His mandibles fluttered, a smile. He smiled at her. She let her mouth hang open in surprise before shutting it. The smile disappeared quickly, and the sorrow returned. Perhaps he had thought of something, and decided against it. He took a deep breath, settling on his feet.

"I don't know what to think about all of this."

"I... did throw a lot of information at you all at once."

Garrus nodded, going silent before looking at her again. "This isn't how it should have ended... but... it's better then you being completely gone, Shepard."

She didn't smile, but she felt like she should have. Something stopped her, perhaps it was the Reaper part of her that wanted to recoil at such a statement. He saw her now as Shepard, even though she was missing key things that made her Shepard. It was a step in the right direction, and although he still looked sad, despair still taking hold, it was a single step toward happiness. He sat down with a sigh, and she followed, sitting before him.

They sat in silence like this for what felt like a while, Garrus gazing at his hands, or the blood on the ground, or her in an alternating pattern. Silence now seemed to calm him before he finally focused on slowly raised a hand, holding it between them, his talons spread. She tilted her head curiously before lifting her own, moving it to his, adjusting it so her hands didn't phase through his, acting as if it were resting against his. Her expression shifted, awed by the subtle affection. She couldn't understand it in its truth, but the motion made her ache almost. Her fingers moved slowly, acting as it to move between his three fingers. Working without a word with her, she intertwined her fake fingers with his real ones, and for a moment, she shuddered, her body shaking. She could feel him shake as well, as if she were truly real, her cries starting once again.

It was a slow rumble, a hesitant whine before it hit the crescendo. She reached out to him with her other hand, echoing her movements from before, mimicking the touch to his mandible and face.

"What I wouldn't give to actually feel your hands again, Shepard..." he murmured, looking into her eyes with his pained ones, "What I wouldn't give..."

"It's not what you want... but it's all I can give you. You don't have to accept it, and I understand if you won't." she told him.

"Shepard... Jane."

"Garrus..."

Her let his hand clench, ending their connection by the hands. He then let it rest on the ground, and immediately watched her cover his hand with her own. Her other hand still rested around one cheek, his mandible flicking through her fingers. He wondered if she truly did remember everything from her. He started to learn forward toward her, hoping for her to do the same.

Her lips twitched, as if looking to smile but never letting it begin, but she did lean as he did, slowly, pausing to make sure she didn't phase through him. Carefully, she let her forehead 'rest' against his, his face one of relief for a moment before it turn sad and pain-filled once again. The cavern opened for a moment in her chest again.

"It won't ever be the same..." she could hear him whisper to himself.

He sighed softly, looking at her with those painful emotional blue eyes. "I should get back to the Chambers. Tali will probably panic if I'm not there when she gets back."

She nodded in understanding. "If you want, you can bring her here."

"I'll think about it."

He stood on shaky limbs, adjusting his army blues before watching Shepard stand, her image flicking in a few places before solidifying.

"Thank you, Shepard."

She was caught off guard, eyes widening, surprise covering her features before it relaxed. "Anytime, Garrus."

The words made his mandibles flutter in a smile, but she honestly believed it to be a bitter one. She watched him turn his back on her, and return to the blinking lights of the platform far off from her place, every step along the way orchestrated alongside his song of woe, his cries and tears for the woman he could no longer touch. Shepard stood there, among the remaining bloodstains and tense silence, and watched him disappear back down into the Citadel. She had been afraid that Garrus would have rejected her or been too deep in his pain to see her truly. He was hurting, and there was she could really do to help that. He would hurt for an eternity. She feared for a moment that he could possibly see her as just another thing to hurt him.

She looked back at the console, monitoring Keeper activity as they moved, noting the ones labeled 'Return'. She let data flow into them, new orders as old ones died away.

"I am her," she whispered to the sky, to her Reaper form, "but I am not her."

* * *

Luck was on his side as he returned to the Chambers, looking out to the elevator as it started to sound off as it rose to his level. He took a seat upon the platform, thinking to himself before he had to confront Tali on what he had just seen, had just gone through.

Shepard was alive, but not alive. She had died but in doing so took over the Reapers and technically exists as one now. She is the 'Catalyst' now, as she explained, and cannot exist physically outside of her Reaper form. She is stuck here on the Citadel to allow for easier communications between galaxy-wide Reapers. She reached out to the last four people Shepard had thought about the most in the hopes of relearning how to be herself, and why she mattered so much. She hoped to understand more, rediscover lost parts of herself, and to figure out why she felt peace couldn't be achieved yet.

It was just his luck to be brought into an impossible situation by Shepard again. He really couldn't escape her.

"So the coordinates lead here?"

He looked up as Tali approached, nodding. He stood with a groan, stretching her legs for a moment. She looked around for a moment, confused.

"So was it just... what was that expression humans have... 'a wild goose chase'?"

"Not exactly."

Tali looked at him, her eyes conveying her confusion and disbelief, but the quick look he gave her seemed to sate her. She looked around the Council Chambers once more, stepping onto the platform he stood on without realization.

"It feels a little weird being here."

Garrus smiled gently. "I'm guessing since you're empty-handed there was no food?"

She sighed. "Sadly. Though, Raan reassures me your people will have some food soon for us. They'll get it on the Normandy once repairs are done, of course."

The platform shuddered, and immediately Tali panicked as the platform rose up. She grabbed onto Garrus to ensure she didn't fall, but looking at his calm features, she wondered in bewilderment if he had actually found something here while she was gone.

"Where are we going?"

Garrus looked up. "To a part of the Citadel that isn't accessible anywhere else."

Tali was panicked regardless, eyes wide behind her mask as they topped rising, looking around the new level of the Citadel. Walls shifted here and there, the gentle grind of a gigantic machine. She stepped forward in awe then.

"How has this never been discovered? It's huge, it's like the Citadel is one large breathing ship!"

_"That is the idea behind it, Tali."_

The voice drew her in immediately, recognizing the voice through the heavy filter of a synthetic sound. She looked back at Garrus, who hadn't moved since they had arrived, and ran forward toward the voice.

"Shepard?!"

_"Tali..."_

"Shepard!"

As she ran up the ramp and looked upon the platform before her, she had expected to find Shepard standing there, proud and tall, and smiling. She thought maybe she would be banged up and maybe a little broken but she would be alive. Instead, she stopped her feet at the sight of the holographic body that stood silently, stiff limbs making her look as if she were floating. She took a tentative step forward, hands covering past of her mask as the hologram looked at her.

It was Shepard, and she couldn't doubt it for a second.

"That message... it was you, wasn't it?"

Shepard nodded, stepping forward. "It was. I know this wasn't what you wanted, Tali."

"So... you're dead? You're just..."

She walked up to her sorrowful quarian, the young Admiral looking at her through the mask as if it wasn't even there. Even with it there, Shepard could see the crippling sadness in her.

"She... I... She died making sure the Crucible fired. She chose to control the Reapers instead of destroying them."

"But.. why? It was basically agreed that destroying them was the only option." Tali argued.

Shepard let a hand hover over Tali's left shoulder. "Choosing to destroy them would have destroyed all synthetics. She didn't have the heart to take away the geth's future, or EDI's future... she didn't want to leave your people without aid to move into the future."

Tali sniffled, shaking her head before looking at her again. "She... really did?"

"Absolutely. She couldn't do what she set out to do, after coming to relate to them. She didn't want to see Legion's sacrifice disappear, and she didn't want to deny EDI her future. She cared so much about you... about all of you."

Shepard's eyes went back to Garrus as he approached, Tali turning to him before looking to Shepard again.

"What are you? I... how do you know all of this?" she asked.

Shepard gently raised her hands to her chest, gesturing to herself. "Shepard sacrificed herself to control the Reapers. In essence, in the root of myself... I am Shepard now. Her thoughts, her consciousness, her soul... I came from them. I hold them now."

Garrus spoke up for her then, keeping a painful distance between them, an odd feeling for him simply finding a comfortable position.

"She messaged us to figure out who Shepard is, what she means. It's not her exactly... but it's all we have left of her."

Tali looked at Garrus, seeing the pain in his plates, the tightness of his talons digging into his own arms. He didn't like it, but as he had said it was all they had now of her besides the memories. She looked to the hologram, and finally up at the Reaper above. She could see the details, the unspoken words that had to be truly explained.

Her sorrow was broadcasted in her soft cries. Garrus moved to comfort her but paused as Shepard moved to hold her, even if she truly couldn't. Her face morphed into confusion, as if her body had moved on its own. Tali tried to hold her as if she were real, but settled for awkwardly holding her arms as if in a hug. It wasn't the same, but...

She wouldn't deny this last chance.

"Joker is going to be even worse, you know."

Shepard didn't reply, moving out of Tali's arms, helping her collect herself as Garrus approached at last. She couldn't keep her eyes away, even as he and Tali talked among themselves, sometimes trying to pull Shepard into it, like old times. She tried her best to join, to integrate back into the life Shepard had, but as fragmented as she was, she knew it wouldn't work. They left together after a few minutes.

They wore looks of misery she couldn't completely understand.


	3. Why am I different?

She visited the sphere tank once again, watching Keepers come chittering down from platforms to check on it themselves as well. She did not need to see through the tinted glass, simply standing before it with one hand on the glass, observing it and analyzing the signals from within. She looked up at her ship, pausing in her 'physical' actions to send out new messages and coordinate a newly reporting in group of Reapers out toward the Skyllian Verge that had finished their work on outlying planets that remained uninhabited, and colonies that remained completely isolated from the universe as a whole.

She reflected on the misery in her friend's faces as they had left her, her hands shifted down the glass for a moment.

Why were they so sad? Was it because Shepard was not physically there? Was she not enough to sate their sadness, to relieve them of some if not most of their pain after hearing reports of her death here?

She felt odd, not understanding them anymore. She had the memories and consciousness to prove she could, but she couldn't make the connection. She couldn't understand it even if it was right in front of her.

Why did they look at her like that, with so much misery?

She drowned out the noise of her fellow Reapers, of the requests and notices from around the galaxy. She made herself invisible if only for a minute or two, and sat down. She had said months ago, upon taking control, that she was still human in spirit. Humans actions came to her easily. Laying out on the steel platform, and looking up at the stars, at her ships, and at the Earth. The universe's fleets surrounded the planet, aiding those still stuck on the surface and awaiting the day to go home. The Mass Relay repair was on schedule, and soon they would be able to move the Citadel back into the Widow System within two or three months. They would be able to start repairing the routes, and get everyone back on their homeworlds and colonies. She knew some were destroyed and would need to be rebuilt before they could return, but she had plans in the works to find a way to build a secondary space station similar to the Citadel if they could not hold people there while homeworlds and planets were salvaged.

So many people on planets who didn't even truly recognize that the war was over. Entire colonies completely wiped from the galaxy.

Beckenstein.

Why did she remember Beckenstein?

_"Was?" she asked, repeating the odd emphasis. Diana's face tightened, her eyes straying from the commander as her voice softened, soaked in her pain._

_"Was."_

_"Diana... I'm so sorry."_

She closed her eyes. She remembered the woman now. Her name was Diana Allers, a reporter that had been embedded on the Normandy. She was born on Beckenstein, a colony the Reapers had simply bombarded from orbit. Most of the cities were reduced to rubble, and a lot of the planet was covered in craters.

It was a planet that produced binoculars.

"I wonder... if she survived."

* * *

Joker and EDI has tried their best to steer clear of the coordinates they were offered, taking a tour of the Citadel now that she could roam just a little more freely without fear of being lynched for being an AI. Though, as they went through empty shopping centers and vacant bars, the silence closing in, they faced the elevators that would take them back to the top of the Citadel Towers.

"Are you sure you want to go see it, Jeff?" EDI asked gently, hailing the elevator before looking at him.

He wobbled gently, reassuring his footing was secure. His expression was hiding the pain of looking for these coordinates, wanting and not wanting to know what this thing wanted to offer to help get over Shepard's death. EDI offered her hand, and Joker reached immediately to take it, letting her move him into the elevator at his slow pace. She stood there with him, holding his hand, gently leaning into him for comfort.

"It's gnawing at me. Besides, we could find treasure on the Citadel. Imagine if it led us to something cool." Joker joked around. EDI gave him a concerned look.

He was deflecting the truth with humor again. She understood why he did so, and simply leaned into him before she stood up again. He smiled with sorrow.

"I just hope it isn't something anyone set up for her... we don't need memorials yet."

"I highly doubt it would be a memorial, though the place would be good for one." EDI commented silently, "We're heading for the Council Chambers, Jeff."

Joker's head spun as quick as he could move it without hurting anything in his neck. "The Chambers? Are you kidding me? Why there?"

"Unknown, however... I have been trying to trace the signal that sent the message. I can confirm it was sent to four people on the Normandy, but I am unable to find any trace of where the message originated."

"Who were the others that got it?"

The elevator doors opened to the silence of the Citadel Chambers, and the slightest scent of blood and bodies hiding in the corners. EDI stepped out first, keeping close to Joker's side as they moved.

"Garrus and Tali were the others one to receive the message. There is no indication that they deleted the message, so we can assume they investigated it already."

"Shouldn't we just ask them, then, as to what they found instead of, you know, disappointing ourselves and looking?"

EDI could tell from his voice that he didn't want to go to the coordinates. He didn't want to see whatever was set up, if anything, and he didn't want to face the music of the new future. He took all the blame onto himself for not going back for her. Stopping her forward progress, and his, she reached out to see his face, immediately moving to hug him as his tears fell again. So many tears shed, and all she could do was stimulate the action, and help the others through the pain she felt equally.

"Come on, Jeff. Let's just see what's there."

"Yeah... alright."

Joker chuckled gently as he righted himself, EDI gently patting his back as they looked up to the Chambers and moved forward. Bodies tucked into corners and broken metal and glass were observed, but it meant little to them as they ascended the stairs, crossed the courtyards, and came to their goal.

The Council Chambers, and the remains of a great history.

Joker had watched Shepard's Spectre coronation from the cockpit, and couldn't smile wide enough as the Council finally recognized a human's efforts in this galaxy. It was a great step. He wandered from EDI, standing at the spot she had stood, and stood at parade rest.

Would Shepard be proud of him making it through all of this? Would she laugh at how silly he was, mirroring her?

"Jeff?"

He turned his head, looking to EDI as she joined him at his left, looking at his stance. She copied it effortlessly, staring out at the broken balcony that would hold the Council, and the beauty of space that lay beyond it.

"She should have been here," Jeff finally said, "She should have seen this. I should have gone back."

EDI had argued against such after they had crash landed, quoting that they would have all been damaged and possibly killed from being so close to the blast center. It would have done nothing but killed more crew members, but now watching him stand in the ashes of the war, mourning for Shepard, she understood now.

"I know, Jeff...," she ended her parade rest, moving into Joker and rest her head on his shoulder, "I know."

Joker relaxed and held EDI close, the two letting the silence cover their sorrows. Joker no longer had his best friend, the woman he looked up to, and the Commander he had come to love. EDI no longer had the woman who saw her potential, who did everything she could to help her understand and become close to Joker.

It was then the platform beneath their feet shuddered, and rose into the air, EDI holding onto Joker so they would be stable upon the platform. She was quick to try to analyze what was happening.

"EDI?!"

"Someone is moving us into the Citadel. I cannot find the source, nor can I counteract it."

"So... we're in for a wild ride."

They watched the Citadel rise around them, EDI still trying to figure out what was controlling the platform and where they were on the Citadel now. They rose into the Citadel for a few more seconds and finally stopped.

"Where are we?" Joker asked, taking a step forward.

EDI looked up, drawing Joker's eyes at the hovering Reaper above them. They were under the Citadel Towers?

"Nowhere we should be able to access." EDI answered gently, awed by how they had made it there, "This part of the Citadel does not show up on known layouts."

"Perfect. There's nowhere else to go but forward, then."

EDI gently patted Joker's shoulder before following him forward, eyes straying to look around her. It was rather impressive to see the Citadel like this, a new piece in the puzzle about this place. She could see the platform before Joker could, her eyes widening as she saw the flutter of blue move across it.

"...we're not alone here, Joker."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone's waiting for us."

They continued to climb up to the platform, EDI's hand hovering on the pistol she had on her hip. Joker locked on immediately to the console, and to the glowing blue figure, shaking immediately.

He knew who it was immediately, unable to stop the torrent of tears and guilt as he moved ahead of EDI.

"Shepard...!"

The blue figure turned, her smile tilted and confused before she realized who was there, walking to Joker as he broke down, moving for her. Her smile disappeared as he grabbed for her, only to slip through her image. EDI rushed over to ensure Joker didn't fall, staring at her in disbelief as Joker stared at her.

"What the hell is this?! Is this some kind of joke?"

Shepard shook her head. "No, Joker. It's not."

He chuckled darkly, "And I thought the Reapers were our allies now. What a fucking joke."

"Joker..."

"Jeff." EDI's voice cut through the tension, "It's Shepard. This isn't a product of the Reapers."

"I call bullshit," he stiffly replied. EDI set him back correctly on his feet, stepping forward toward the hologram.

"I'm giving her access to me, Joker," Shepard explained quietly, "I'm not a Reaper AI. I'm not just a hologram, or a program. She sacrificed herself to stop the war, she knew it couldn't end without her doing something."

"So she... took control of the Reapers and took the role of the new Catalyst," EDI whispered, trying to make sense of the data streaming into her.

"She shouldn't have needed to do that," Joker yelled, stepping up, "I should have just gotten her out of here! I could have saved her!"

"Joker... Jeff... I'm sorry. There was no way to." Shepard tried to explain, only seeming to make him more upset.

"I could have stopped this from happening... I could have saved her! God damn it, Shepard! Damn it..."

Tali had said it would be worse with Joker, and she was right. The pilot before her was nothing but sorrow and guilt for leaving Shepard behind. She came forward and brought him to her, 'holding' him as best she could as he cried, sliding gently to his knees as he sobbed. Joker had finally found the reason behind the message, the truth behind what had happened. Even with EDI holding onto him, trying to help him stay together, he broke apart as he gazed upon the holographic image of his lost Commander, the only thing that remains of Shepard after she had given herself up to save them all.

He cried atop her final resting place, and cried for her to come back.

* * *

Shepard couldn't make entire sense of his pain and despair. She could understand the survivor's guilt, and the guilt of being unable to save Shepard again. She knew that Shepard had died once before the Reaper War, and Joker had to witness it. She didn't understand how it would have hurt him so badly the second time. Should he be used to it now? Is she missing something? She couldn't comprehend it, and it didn't help that she couldn't comfort him either.

She kept close to him as he cried and despaired, looking curiously at EDI as they helped him back onto his feet once he could control the tears. He looked at her with the same despairing look Garrus and Tali had given her.

"Was there really no way for it to be done without her?" he asked her gently, his voice hoarse.

Shepard gave him the best sad look she could conjure, shaking her head.

"The Catalyst refused to do it. Shepard was the only one who could do it. Perhaps if she had chosen to destroy them, she would be alive... but she didn't want to hurt you."

"How does this not hurt?" he asked weakly.

She looked immediately to EDI, and the AI almost seemed to flinch into Jeff's arms.

"If she chose to destroy the Reapers, it would have destroyed all synthetic life. It would have destroyed the Reapers, the Geth... and EDI. She didn't want to hurt you by taking her away from you. Much like how she didn't want to hurt Garrus for leaving."

Joker took a moment to look to EDI before his despair bled into bitter sorrow, and he laughed weakly.

"That definitely sounds like Shepard. Worrying about the rest of us and neglecting herself."

Shepard smiled, walking up to Joker as he looked at her once again, just a little brighter. She could see the lingering pain in his eyes, but she could see that he found solace in knowing the hologram before him wasn't just some trick or a cruel joke.

"She cared, for all of you. She didn't want to die, but she had to do something or the Reapers would have won. She- no, I'm sorry, Joker."

EDI spoke up. "So are you like me then, Shepard? An AI?"

Shepard shook her head. "Not really. I'm not really sure. I may be an AI? I may just be a Reaper intelligence but I don't know. I know I took the Catalyst's role, so it is very possible that I am an AI now. When Shepard decided to control them, she sacrificed her mind and, in a sense, uploaded her thoughts and consciousness and memories into this vast network. Would that make me... an AI?"

"The Catalyst was originally an AI made by the Leviathans, so it would be safe to assume you are also one, Shepard."

"They already created a VI of you, why stop there?" Joker chuckled, amused for a moment before stepping forward out of EDI's hold and toward Shepard.

She couldn't see the happiness in his eyes, seeing only the sorrow of knowing his Commander was gone, and his best friend couldn't come back. He got to witness the flaws in her being, the missing gaps which made it nearly impossible to truly relate and understand the crew she once loved more then anything. She reached out to him, her hand phasing through his briefly before she righted it to look correct.

"So this is it? You're just an AI with a Reaper body and you control the Citadel now?"

"Yes."

"There's no way for you to come back?"

"Even if there was, I do not know if she would be completely Commander Shepard again."

All pretense of happiness faded into anguish and sadness once more, a look she hauntingly saw on EDI's face as well.

"Thanks for telling me you won't be coming back, Commander."

* * *

Joker didn't stay to talk, deciding to leave so he could go back to the ship so he could rest and try to understand what would happen now that he knew of Shepard's 'survival'. EDI, however, did stay, sitting with her on the platform. She wasn't accessing the information she provided, instead wishing to hear it vocally. Shepard appreciated the unshackled AI and her comforting presence as she listened and tried to comprehend everything that had happened. She could understand why Shepard had thought of EDI and worried for her upon finding out that destroying the Reapers would destroy her.

"You refer to yourself in third and first person, and switch between the two casually. Why is that, Shepard?" EDI asked.

"During the process of connecting to the Reaper conscious and taking control, she realized that she was dangerously open to them, even though they were responding to her commands quickly. She was fearful of being changed, so she sealed away pieces of herself so they were protected from Reaper influence. It was a fear she couldn't avoid even though she would have control over them."

"You repressed parts of yourself?"

"She did, or maybe it was me. I don't know where Shepard ends and where I begin. I don't feel like her but at the same time I am all that is left of her."

EDI listened, seeming to try to comprehend the idea of Shepard not being Shepard. This was Shepard, she could easily see that, but she did not act like Shepard. This was a reconstruction from Shepard's actions at the hands of the Catalyst. Perhaps pieces were stored and forgotten upon gaining complete control. The way she had explained the Catalyst was cold and blank, emotions void in this holographic figure who taunted her with a human form. Could this be something that happened because of how the Catalyst originally was?

"Why did you only send four of us messages?"

"Huh?"

EDI pressed on. "Why did you only send Jeff, Garrus, Tali and myself messages about you?"

She stuttered, unable to come up with a logical explanation for the lack of other messages. There were other members of the Normandy, her friends, who would die to see her again. Why only four?

"I don't know why. She remembered you four the most, though she did remember the others. Those who lived and those who died as well."

"Would it not be easier for you to try to understand Shepard by getting as much contact as possible with her family and crew?"

"It would, however I fear that the crew will hate her, or me, or... I don't know."

EDI tilted her head. "Why would the crew hate you?"

She looked away. "I had always said I wanted to destroy the Reapers and yet, in the end, she controlled them much like the Illusive Man wished. She did what she claimed she could not do. Joker didn't want to listen, and hates me now. I can assume Kaidan would hate me, Javik would despise me. So many will hate me for allowing them to live on when I could have destroyed them. It was her heart that stopped her from destroying them because synthetics would be hurt as well."

"Your fear is valid, however you will not know if they will hate you unless you talk with them, Shepard. I would suggest letting them in and see how it would work out."

Shepard frowned, watching EDI stand before she did as well.

"I am her, but I am not her. They wouldn't know her, me, we-"

She stopped herself. Was she Commander Shepard or not? Why did they all look so disappointed? Why were they all looking at her with such despair?

EDI was gone by the time she tried to speak again, sorting through confusion and orders and relay updates and the talk of Keepers.

"What am I to them?"


End file.
